Loyalty
by Elphaba-Rose
Summary: They are 26 years old, and alone. They are no longer a family. Raphael must accept his fate...


1A.N: And finally, Raphael's story, the final tale of the TMNT.

Disclaimer: I do not own. End of.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Loyalty

I buried my elder brother today. Right next to my dad.

The cheap beer tasted bitter in my mouth and I was tempted to spit it out, but I didn't care anymore. I haven't cared for a long time. Don't think I'll ever care again. It's not like we can change anything, not now, not now we lost him. Can't get him back either. Our only chance is to go to him.

God that makes a change. He always came to us, followed us when we went missing, made sure we returned home safely, just like a goddamned boy scout. Either that, or he was a protective elder brother. The elder brother I could never be. I never wanted to be like him, I just wanted his job, his responsibilities. It took his death to make me realise it was the last thing I wanted. Kinda sick when you think about it.

I watched my youngest brother fix his eyes on the television, but I knew he wasn't paying attention to it. I don't think Michelangelo has _truly _watched anything on TV for years. I can't remember the last time I watched TV. It's a recent thing for me, hearing the drone and buzz of electronics. It surprised me in actual fact, when Mike turned it on.

Everything's changed so much. Splinter used to tell us change was inevitable and it would happen for good or for bad. Don't think he expected anything like this to happen. Hell none of us did, especially not me. I guess it was partly my fault for getting up and leaving all those years ago, but I just couldn't handle it in that house anymore, I was gonna turn into a basket case. Well, even more of a basket case than I am now.

It was so goddamned quiet. All you could ever hear was the sound of blades slicing through the air, the slow turn of a dry page, the soft hum of electricity and that bloody cat. It was driving me mad. We barely said two words to each other. Don wouldn't leave his lab. Mike lost his humour. Leo lost the will to live. I was hardly ever at home, anywhere was better than there.

I think it broke Leo's heart when I left. He was always the one to keep us together but when Splinter died, that was it, he didn't know who he was anymore. I know I shouldn't have left, but if I didn't, I would have to watch my brothers slowly collapse.

It was bliss at first. I did everything _I _wanted to do. I ate what I wanted, slept when I wanted, worked out when I wanted. Nobody was gonna tell me otherwise. But then I started to realise. This wasn't bliss, this was a fucking nightmare. I was alone, I was truly alone, and I hated it. The silence was worse than the sounds before. But I couldn't go back there, I couldn't watch Don waste away in his science, I couldn't watch Mike let go of his charm and I couldn't watch Leo forget who he was.

Starting to drink wasn't so bad, it numbed the pain for a couple of hours, helped me forget. Then that stopped working, so naturally I went to drugs. After leaving home, they were the biggest mistake of my life. It was just the little stuff at first, a bit of weed here and there. Then it was cocaine, and then heroine. They took the pain away for more than a couple of hours, but then it just came back, so I took more. Looking back now it's a wonder I didn't overdose. I half wish I had.

It got harder and harder to find the money to feed my addiction. But my brother and my father stayed in my mind, reminding me of Bushido. I never stole anything. At first Casey leant me a little, he never knew what it was for, but that was in the early days when you couldn't tell. Then he moved away to LA and I had to find the money a different way. God how I envy the bastard.

It hurt but I managed to lower my dosage, rationing myself. If I took it all at once I'd end up with nothing at all. Taking it bit by bit, it would manage until the punks I took down dropped some. Leo found out one Christmas a few years ago. I thought he was going to murder me, but he didn't have the strength. He didn't even have the strength to break down and cry. Mikey did, often, and it was Don who lectured me.

A couple of months after that Christmas, I was walking down the streets, feeling ill from withdrawal. I was waiting for the sun to set and the thugs to come out for some late night shopping. I stopped in front of an electronics store, a news report catching my eye. I watched it right through, never moving. And from that second on, I vowed I'd never touch anything again. Some girl had overdosed on heroine in front of her five year old brother. I felt sick, and it wasn't 'cause of the withdrawal.

It made me realise. There was no way on this fucked up earth my brothers were gonna find me dead 'cause I overdosed. I could never do that to them, not now, not after everything that's happened. One death broke their hearts, another would kill them. Well, we aren't dead yet, but I know we will be.

It felt good to be clean. I'd forgotten how chuffed a decent workout could make you feel. I'd been too wrapped up thinking when my next fix would be. Seeing Mike's smile when I told him made me even more determined. Yet I still couldn't say sorry, couldn't ask to be together again. The pain had come back and it was still too strong.

It still is, but Leo finally did it, he bought us back together. I knew he would, I just didn't think he'd do it like that. I don't think he meant for it to be this way, but it will have the outcome he wanted. I'll make sure of it, just to say thank you.

Secrets. They all had secrets. Not stupid little secrets you had when you were kids, like how you'd snuck the last cookie when you weren't allowed. No, real dark secrets. And none of them were brave enough to share. Just goes to show how far we've fell. We used to tell each other everything, and I mean everything. Since dad died, we couldn't tell anyone anything.

I don't have a secret, not anymore. Leo found me out. But it took his death for them to spill the screwed up beans. Mike never told us that goddamned cat died. I loved that thing, I really did. Sure it pissed me off sometimes, but he came and sat with you were you were down and licked your cheek. Dammit Klunk, you're just a freaking cat, but you meant the world to my brother.

Don never told us he knew Splinter would die. Our brother couldn't save him no matter what he did. And you know why? God this really pisses me off. Don couldn't save him because we're mutants, 'cause we can't get the shit he needed to survive. If he was a human he'd have been better in no time, but no, 'cause some bastard decided to make us mutants, our father had to die and ruin this family.

And Leo? Leo had cancer. It makes me sick. He knew some disease was eating away at him and he kept silent, pretending everything was ok, just like we did. We're as bad as each other. I'll never be able to forget finding his body. I still have nightmares about it now. I just had this damn urge to go see how he was doing, and I find him cold and lifeless in the middle of, where else, the dojo, his hands still loosely grasping his swords.

I threw up later, after I'd phoned Mike and Don. After everything he'd done, recovering from near death after getting ambushed by the Foot, after fighting the Shredder, after _everything_, he dies from cancer. Doesn't it make you sick too?

But now we're going to set things right. We buried Leo this morning and it felt like the start of something brand new. There might only be three of us here physically, but I know Leo will never leave us. He's annoying like that heh. God I miss you Leo, so damn much.

We've left New York and its memories far behind. I might go back in a few years, once the pain has dulled a little bit. But now we belong here, in Casey's old farmhouse. I'll miss the city, the night lights and the punk fighting, but my true loyalty lies with my bros, not myself. I understand that now Leo, sorry it took so long to realise it. God you must've hated me so much sometimes. I just wish I could have been a better brother to you. If only I'd have discovered your secret like you did mine, then maybe you could still be with us and everything would be ok again.

I know it's gonna be the hardest thing we've ever done. At first we all thought we should give up now before we lose each other. Bet that made Donny sick, thinking about making his own coffin. I know making Leo's devastated him. I don't know he did it. Casey did Master Splinter's. I suppose Don managed to do it because he had to. We couldn't just bury him without one, it would feel wrong.

But no, we're not gonna give up. Leo wanted us to be together, but not in death. I get that now. He wanted us to repair our relationship, become the brothers we once were, not just kill ourselves together. God that sounds so stupid now, can't believe we even thought about it.

It's getting slightly easier now. We watched a film last night, all of us, with popcorn, like we used to. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Mike cried a little bit, but he's getting better, finally coming to grips with it. Don and I even sparred yesterday. We'd forgotten how it felt, fighting with somebody else, and it made me feel better.

You know also hurts? The fact that I haven't told either of them I love them for seven years, maybe more. I've tried to, especially today, after we finished up with Leo. But I couldn't do it. It just reminded me of how we failed Leo as a brother. But I can't let my guilt control how I feel. I know what Leo wants me to do, but it's hard. I'm going to need his strength.

Don went and sat with Mike and they watched the TV together. I saw Mike seek Don's hand discreetly, and I saw Don squeeze it in a silent reassurance. I clenched my eyes shut and turned away, my hands trembling. I felt like I was going to be sick again. Either that or I was gonna cry. I'm crying more now, just to let it go. Mike's crying enough for all of us and he still can't let go of the grief. It's gonna take a long time, but I'm gonna get my baby brother to grin again. And if he manages to bring himself to play a prank on me, well, I don't know what I'd do.

What also gave us hope was the fact that when we got here, it was decorated, clean, repaired. April and Casey's clothes were in the wardrobes, toys and games in one of the rooms, some of Casey's clubs in the corner of the kitchen, even one of Casey's old bikes in the shed. They still came here. Every now and again, they must use it as a holiday home or something. We found a phone book in one of the kitchen drawers, it had cell phone numbers for them. We daren't try them just yet, but we will.

If they still come here, why don't they go see us? Are they frightened of what they might find? At least this way, they'll know the truth. Seeing our separate homes, what we had become, that would have broken April's heart. And there was no way Casey would let his daughter face that. I've said it before and I'll say it again, god I'm so effing jealous of them.

I don't know what it was but thinking about April and Casey, and everything with Leo and Master Splinter, but I felt like I needed to tell Donny and Mikey how I felt. It was like something made me throw the beer in the trash and stride into the living room. It was like someone was making me ignore the memories this place brought, the pain and grief I was feeling and face my fears.

Thanks Leo. From now on bro, you have my loyalty.

"Hey you guys?"

"Hm?"

"I love you,"

"We love you too Raph,"

"Yeah, and you Leo,"

The End

A.N: Wow that's all of them. You know at first I didn't know if I wanted a happy ending or a sad ending, but I guess the small part of me that's an optimist won for once. Hope you enjoyed. Take care, love you.


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